A Decade of Deconstruction
Do I Need a Group?
A Decade of Deconstruction: Do I Need a Group?
More than ever before, it seems like the world is divided into groups.
We cheer for different sports teams with great enthusiasm, even though the team is simply the one the owner assembled in our region and not significantly more deserving of our devotion than the other team. We classify ourselves by political group labels, wishing the other group would disappear, even though we know individuals in that group whom we care about. We divide ourselves by passionately committing ourselves to religious groups. Sometimes, the other group is very similar to ours, but we can’t bring ourselves to even listen to them.
We invest less in the initial study of the groups we join than in choosing which mower to use for our lawn. Even lawnmower brands can become cult-like when we spend enough money to care more about which one is the best. Often, our choices of groups to join are mainly influenced by where we live and what we are exposed to.
Sometimes, it’s a harsh realization to see that the ideals and group goals we strongly uphold have serious flaws. As we grow, change, and learn, we often join groups that align with our new understanding. This regret over our past ignorance and supporting the wrong “team” can lead us to lash out in anger, even though we once faithfully belonged to that group. Religion, in particular, has taught us to demonize and otherize the opposing faction and to avoid questioning the contradictions within our own group. All groups employ cult-like tactics to control our time, money, and loyalty by segregating us from others so that we learn to despise them and support our own tribe.
I mean, you can’t cheer for the Buffalo Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs, just like you can’t support two different churches or speak kindly of both liberals and conservatives. If you do, then you are not committed, and you don’t get to enjoy the benefits of either group peacefully. Even Jesus chose a group, favoring Jews over Gentiles, and referred to the other group as “dogs” without remorse.
My Experience
In my family of origin, we never talked about politics or religion, possibly because our religion in the South focused more on American football and Friday night lights. But make no mistake, even in those small towns, we were fiercely against and hated the other team that lived 8 miles away. They were the enemy, and we supported the opinions and actions of the people closest to us, giving little thought to those a few miles away who were almost exactly like us.
Even though we didn’t discuss religion, even the smallest towns have multiple religious groups that don’t get along and don’t support each other unless there’s a major event like a farmer’s death during harvest.
By the way, even occupations can become cult-like, dismissing others without reason just because they work for or lead a different organization.
So why do we do this?
The High of Righteousness
In April of this year, we interviewed Robert N. Minor on The Desert Sanctuary podcast, and he introduced us to the concept of the “High of Righteousness.” The things he said to me resonated deeply with my 20 years of experience as a pastor and my lifelong relationship with Christianity. For me, I have come to express this idea as “We are right, and God is on our side.”
In our talk with Bob, we discussed how religion itself doesn’t do anything. It’s what people do with it that can make it harmful, helpful, or good. But why do we get addicted to things like religions, sports teams, or other groups in society?
It is the feeling we get when we cheer for the right team, worship the right god, or vote for the right party (even if it’s left). Just like drug addicts chase the first high of their lives, we keep trying to justify and praise the choices we make. Once we decide, we put a lot of effort into defending it. We do this even though our understanding is limited and we’re exposed to only a small part of the world. Modern society provides us with a wealth of information, but doesn’t teach us how to sift through and make sense of it all.
Meanwhile, the group usually encourages interaction among its members and spends a lot of time demonizing people who made different choices based on the information they had, or perhaps simply where they were born. When something goes wrong, the scapegoat is often the outside world or another group. Religion does this consistently!
Much like drug addicts, we never quite reach that high because no religion, political party, or football team ever fully satisfies us and often leaves us disappointed when we experience it. As a result, all of these groups help us avoid the necessary work of addressing our issues, including taking responsible actions such as mental health care, caring for our physical health, and managing our finances responsibly and productively.
Sometimes, tweaked-out religious junkies line the front row of the sanctuary, unaware that they are still chasing the feelings and emotions they felt the first time they were there. Political junkies long for their leaders to be in charge, hoping some of the power might trickle down and make them feel better. Sports fans remember the first game that their team miraculously won and continue to “use” even when their team becomes irrelevant that season. At the same time, they wish bad fortune on the opposing team’s quarterback and his fans. They call it faithfulness!
Our Deep Need for Connection
Humans have a profound need for connection and a sense of belonging. A lack of attachment for infants can contribute to a life-threatening condition known as Failure to Thrive (FTT), where a child fails to gain weight or grow normally. Attachment and nurture are crucial for infants, as well as for growing children and adults.
Because we feel this instinctively, we long for community, which we sometimes mistakenly attribute to the groups we frequent. We assume that joining the right church, cheering for the right team, or belonging to the correct political group will, in some way, serve as our community and lead us to that connection we desire. Most often, we find these things are only a false example of how we actually discover the deep connection we need.
Communities like this start with a condition: you can belong if you share our beliefs and despise the same people we do. Group assumptions can be as ridiculous as hoping the Dallas Cowboys will win another Super Bowl. Therefore, the group’s loyal members encourage newcomers to believe and have faith that things will eventually turn out the way they envision. When this doesn’t happen, the group urges its members to give more, do more, and worship more passionately to help turn their hopes and assumptions into reality.
However, please understand that the infant didn’t find her attachment by belonging to a specific group, holding a certain belief, or going to a place every week. She also couldn’t buy that attachment with money. She didn’t need a large group to join. She needed someone to attach and connect to her.
I might high-five a fellow fan of my sports team like we’re old friends, just as I might hug someone in church after sharing an experience. But that’s not a definite sign that we truly connected. We can like the same things and dislike the same people and still be just as unconnected as with people we hardly know.
I don’t think this connection occurred when I attended the comedy show for my birthday. All of us existed peacefully under the same roof because, for about an hour, we shared the same goal: to escape from our everyday lives and do the same thing at the same time. But I don’t even know the names of the people who were there. Did I enjoy it? Yes! Was there a real connection with the comedian or the audience? No!
We shared some similarities, like being mainly from the Midwest and enjoying that kind of comedy, as well as a particular performer. We had a shared experience, but it wasn’t a real connection. Mostly, we forget about our daily lives and the problems we face because we pay someone to entertain us, and sadly, that’s probably the main reward for being in a group: entertainment. True community happens individually, not necessarily collectively.
Where Community is Found
Groups are used to unify power and streamline coordination and communication. We often discussed the advantages of an association in my former denomination, which is a larger collective of similar churches in the area. This enabled us to take on bigger projects and have a more substantial influence because people could join a large group that matches their individual hopes, desires, and beliefs.
I would never discourage people from having support systems, safety nets, and other associations that help protect workers, the underprivileged, and those in need. But don’t confuse occasional benefits with a real connection. Even a family that is deeply committed to each other can be disconnected and unattached in the ways that truly matter. A dad who protects his family from external physical threats and provides income, but fails to connect with his daughter, has only done part of what was necessary. People can be utterly alone in an auditorium full of individuals who share the same beliefs and aspirations if they don’t form genuine connections with others who will take the time to engage with them in a positive and lasting way.
We are often like frantic teenagers hoping to be popular by joining the groups we believe will complete us, while forming dozens of superficial relationships that never truly connect us to our classmates. Being in the right friend group can definitely influence us and shape our views about the world, God, and humanity. Still, without genuine connections with individual people, we are more like walking corpses than thriving human beings.
Groups usually unite around sameness, but often the best connections are with those who are uniquely different than us.
Since deconstructing my religion, I have learned to value individual relationships more than the group. This allows me to live in a community where people may vote differently or support different teams, yet still have genuine connections. I realized that belonging isn’t about the group I’m part of but more about how I feel about myself and the personal connections I forge with others.
A Way Forward
Think back as far as you can remember and recall the relationships that genuinely connected you to another person. Try to remember how long it took to build that relationship and invest in that connection, even though some of these connections might not last forever. Discover the impact that a connection or lack thereof can have on your well-being.
At the same time, remember how much energy and effort you previously invested in groups, associations, and even sports teams that you no longer support. Just this week, I struggled with whether to stay connected to a volunteer group, and I also recalled the initial excitement I felt when I first discovered it. The key to deciding whether it’s beneficial to stay involved is honestly assessing the valuable connections made with individual people. Those are the parts that stick with me, even if I decide to disassociate or no longer participate in the group.
As I enter the later stages of my life, I am beginning to realize that the true treasures I will carry are not the groups I participated in or the places where I dedicated most of my energy and resources. Even if someone recites these associations to those mourning my loss when I pass, what truly matters will always be the deep connections I formed with others.
I hope I’m getting better at this even now.
Be where you are, Be who you are, Be at peace!
Karl Forehand
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